I am the expert

This generation of parents has a resource that no generation before us has ever had. If we have any questions, big or small, we can look on the internet and find a wealth of information to guide us. We also have a challenge that no one before us ever had – this overabundance of information can lead us to overthink the smallest of decisions and feel inadequate as parents even when we are doing our best. If we let it, this can lead us to stop listening to our own instincts and trusting ourselves. There are extremists out there, and their voices on the internet are so loud that they can completely change how we see an issue (if we let them).

For example, the “breast is best” group is so loud on the internet that when I had difficulty breastfeeding, I felt ashamed. I had read so much pro-breastfeeding information during my pregnancy that my perspective on it was very unrealistic. I knew that some women had challenges breastfeeding, but I thought that every good mother would want to breastfeed. I also thought that every mother who wanted to breastfeed would be able to overcome any challenges with the right information and support.  I also thought that the majority of mothers thought this way. When I started having rare complications, I believed I could overcome them if I tried hard enough. I wanted so badly to be a good mother that I continued trying to breastfeed beyond what was reasonable. Those closest to me encouraged me to stop. I needed to “do the best thing for my son” so I kept trying, even when these complications landed me back in the hospital for 3 days. It wasn’t until I finally realized that these insane efforts were interfering with my ability to show my son love that I finally stopped. When I did, I still felt like a failure as a mom. It took me several months to feel comfortable giving him a bottle in public. I felt the need to explain to everyone around that I had tried to breastfeed but wasn’t able to. That was crazy! No one ever gave me a dirty look or made a comment when they saw the bottle. I doubt that anyone else even cared. I caused all of that negative emotion for myself by letting the strong opinions on the internet sink into me and distort my view of what really mattered.

There are a ton of decisions that parents make. Prenatal care, birth plans (epidural vs natural), breastfeeding, sleeping arrangements (co-sleeping, basinet in same room, crib in different room), what is in the crib (my husband and I had an argument about crib bumper pads before our son was even born), crying it out/sleep training, introducing solids (when and what to offer, home-made vs store bought), protection from germs (should you have a grocery cart cover?), circumcision (helpful for the future or inhumane?), ear piercing (cute or cruel?), when to allow your baby to have sugary foods for the first time, encouraging independence vs protecting from danger, when to get a babysitter the first time so you can go on a date with your husband, baby proofing everything in the home vs teaching your child how to behave, sharing pictures on the internet vs honoring the child’s privacy, how to handle tantrums, how to handle teething (are Amber necklaces safe? Should you really give your child Tylenol?), how to clean your home (is the exposure to chemicals dangerous to your little one?), how much the TV should be on in your home (and what should be allowed on the screen), the list goes on and on, and only gets longer as your child grows. For every one of these decisions, you can find extremists who will tell you that it MUST be done a certain way, and any parent who does it differently should never have had children.

I used to be someone who read everything I could find on every decision to be made. I wanted to know what the experts said. It has taken me some time, but here is what I’ve realized: The experts on our son’s care are myself and my husband. No one knows him better than we do, especially not some fanatic on the internet who we’ve never met.

I still use the internet as a resource, but that’s just what it is: a resource.  A tool for obtaining information.  I never want to let the ideas I find on the internet dictate how I will feel, ever again. When we have a decision to make, we can look for information, we can ask people we know for their opinions, but what we do is ultimately up to us. We are the ones who know our son best, and we are the ones who will decide how to raise him.

The only thing that I feel strongly that every parent should do is love their child and do the best they can. Every parent who does that is a great parent. No one needs to be judged and no one needs to feel inadequate.

There was a blog entry about this on Single Dad Laughing (www.danoah.com), and he summed it up extremely well: “Your kid is your kid. Your life is your life. Your job as a parent is yours. You do it your way, I’ll do it mine. And we can still be friends even when we do it differently.”