Being a mother – at home AND at work

I didn’t realize before I was a mother how touchy the subject of staying-at-home vs working-outside-the-home could be. Since I became a mother, it is a subject that I can see causes a lot of tears, hurt feelings, and offense. I had the wonderful opportunity to spend 10 months maternity leave at home with my son, then returned back to work full time. That wasn’t really my plan. I hoped maybe I would work 1-2 days per week just to keep my license in my profession. The reality is that at this point in my life, I need to be at work full time. This was a decision my husband and I made together for the good of our family. I know a lot of stay at home moms, and I also know a lot of working moms, and this is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe it’s because I’m part of a church where the vast majority of moms stay at home, and I sometimes feel like the odd one out. Or maybe it’s because my life as a mom is different from how I pictured it. Whatever the reason, it’s been on my mind, and I have something I want to say about it.

It seems to me that most moms seem to feel what they call “mommy guilt” at one time or another (or all the time!). I’ve heard SAHM (stay at home moms) say they feel guilty that they don’t bring in any money and the whole responsibility lies on their husband. They can rationally tell themselves that they’re giving their children something that’s just as important, but the feeling is still there for some. As a working mom (meaning working-outside-the-home), I have felt a ton of guilt that I am not the one who is with my son most of the day. It absolutely breaks my heart when I know he’s having a rough day and I want to be the one who comforts him, but I can’t. He went through a separation anxiety phase, and I fought tears the entire way to work every single day. To walk away from my baby when he needed comfort went against every motherly instinct I have. I can rationally tell myself that I’m doing the best thing for my family. I can also tell myself it’s good for him to have some independence, and now he’s a secure child that knows his parents come back at the end of the day. But that doesn’t really take away the guilt.

Then there’s the stereotypes that SAHMs and working moms both face. I’ve heard people say “I wish I could take the easy way out and just quit my job and have babies” or “it would be so nice to just sit around at home all day and watch TV”. I’ve also heard people say “When moms work outside the home, they’re telling their kids that money is more important than being with them” or “Working mothers are neglecting their children – *I* love my kids too much to do that to them”. To people who say things like that – there are no words that can express how angry I feel towards you. Stop judging! Most moms are really just trying every day to do the best thing they can for their kids. “The best thing” is different in every family.

There also seems to be a martyr syndrome on both sides. Motherhood is hard, whether you’re staying at home or working outside the home. Sometimes it seems that we as mothers feel the need to prove that we have it harder than someone else does, and being a SAHM vs a working mom seems to be an easy way to do that. The reality is there are some things that are harder about being a SAHM, and some things that are harder about working. Staying at home can be very socially isolating. Some find it isn’t very mentally stimulating and they’re bored. Some with several children are literally run off their feet trying to keep up. Some feel they aren’t valued by society for the work they do. Some don’t value themselves for the work they do. Sometimes you don’t even get time to go to the bathroom alone, which is something all working moms get to do throughout the day! And the constant housecleaning gets pretty tedious. Working can also be very hard. You have to say goodbye to your child every day. You have to trust someone else to do a good job. If you do the math, you realize someone else is with your child more than you are. You have work stress, and when you get home after a long day of work and want to put your feet up… well, that’s the time when you have to come home, cook supper, take care of kids and put them to bed, and clean up. The housecleaning that stay at home mom’s can do a bit at a time throughout the day has to be done all at once on evenings or weekends. Your “days off” are spent the same way SAHM’s spend every day – being with the kids, running errands, cooking, cleaning, etc. The list of challenges for both sides goes on and on, but this martyr syndrome drives me crazy!! For every SAHM complaining, there’s a working mom who would die to be in her shoes. For every working mom complaining, there’s a SAHM who is going crazy at home. All the energy that gets wasted focusing on how hard your life is could be put to much better use.

After all the time I have spent thinking about this issue, I have come to realize that we are all missing the point. The most important thing is – we are mothers! I remember before I was a mother how desperately I wanted a baby and how much it broke my heart that I wasn’t a mother yet. I dreamed of the future when I would have that precious child/children to love. Maybe that dream didn’t include working full time, but so what? The dream still came true – I still have my precious son who I love more than words can say. Whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom, if you love your kids, and you do whatever is best for your family in your circumstances, you are a hero.

There’s a song by Katherine Nelson that I just love, and I find it so uplifting. It’s called “Good for you, Good for me” and she wrote it after watching a talk show where business women and stay at home moms argued about who has the more fulfilling life. Here are some of the lyrics: “Maybe I was young, I didn’t know what I was in for. You say I’m doing life all wrong, like I’ve never heard that before. Well don’t go asking me to clip my wings, or say I’ve won a losing fight. Cause my babies kiss me every morning, I love my husband every night. Here’s to courageous women out there in shiny shoes and business suits – Good for you. Hats off to the women in the kitchen who run the world, raising boys and girls… I thank the God above us, Cause all I want is where I am”

That’s what I really want to say here. “All I want is where I am“. I am empowered by knowing that I am a mother who loves her child and does everything she can to make sure he has a good life. A few months ago, I thought I wasn’t where I wanted to be, because I wasn’t at home. But I’ve realized – I’m exactly where I want to be. I spend every day working for the good of my family, and nothing matters more than that!